The Road of Recovery

Through my journey of recovery, I have gotten to points where I don't feel like I am even worthy of all the hard work everyone has placed in me. When I came home in 2019, I felt there was nothing I could do to be better. I was not wanting to be in treatment. I thought I was unqualified, unwilling and not even worth the time. These three things running through my head no longer exist now. Its been almost a year that I have returned home and I have realized after going through the motions that I am qualified, willing and worth the time it takes to work hard to make it through each and every program I am involved at this time. I attend a group, individual therapy. There are medications involved and a lot of coping skills learned and used throughout my life. Before I came home feeling these types of feelings began to take over and create a dark and cold existence. While I sit here in front of my laptop writing this I have been seeing memories on Facebook from this time a year ago,...

Last year around this time I was very emotionally not strong enough to handle a ton of different things.. Its now almost been a year and I am dealing with something I never thought I would be. My relationship of 2 1/2 years is over. Even though it hurts and it sucks like so much. I'm slightly relieved that we're no longer in a serious romantic relationship.  After a lot of consideration and thinking my bf of 2 1/2 broke up with me.. I know kinda a shitty move the day after Valentines day. However, he needed to. It was what was best for him and his mental well being.  Having different mental illnesses myself if this happened a year ago, I would've been in a hospital under suicide watch due to having my heart broken by someone I cared for. Now I still and will always love this boy.. I have no hard feeling or anything against him. He is my best friend and that isn't changing.  But the fact I can look at myself as realize I would've been under suicide watch amazes me on...

Ever wonder if there is more to something then what you can see on the outside. Does anyone really take a moment to even ask what might be in their head? This is my life daily regarding living not only with anxiety and PTSD  but also depression. Living with this can go from being extremely happy and willing to do anything and everything for the day, then it can go to just wanting to sit alone in a dark room and not wanting anything to do with the world. It's as dark as the night sky while sailing on the sea. You can't even see the end of the ship and then you hit an iceberg. Basically enough said living with depression can be like sailing on the Titanic with no lifeboats. As the darkness surrounds there isn't much that can be done to get out. Sometimes the support from family and friends brings a bit of light to the situation however, that only lasts for so long then you're right back where you were before. Pretending seems the only way to get through a day in one ...

Having PTSD and Anxiety and so many more different mental illnesses has brought a whole different aspect to life itself. Living with mental illnesses isn't as easy as some medical commercials make it out to be. Sometimes you're up for hours at night crying because of an attack you just had after a nightmare, or even pacing your bedroom at night trying to remain calm. Another example is attending a church service of somewhere you are supposed to be safe and can't stay because your anxiety is through the roof. There are many different types of PTSD or Anxiety attacks known to man. There are many different medications, therapies, and group therapies as well. The one thing that allows me to feel normal in my everyday life is my Service Dog (SD) Soka. Soka is a 5-year-old German Shepherd Lab Mix. She lived a very miserable life before she was in my life. Her life was either 24/7 in the Arizona weather or 18 hours in a dog crate with no human interaction from anyone. We broug...