The Road so Far.....

        At the beginning of this journey, I never thought I would be behind a computer telling my story. I always thought writing it all out would help in the result of hopefully helping other people who are in my shoes. Growing up I always thought to have mental health was a "crime" or it was a result of being "crazy".  In all reality, it isn't all "crazy" or even a "crime".

      Having mental health is apart of life on some spectrum. Being diagnosed isn't a curse or a sickness. Even though many do believe this to be true it is a bunch of well bullshit. Society puts a crazy sticker on this topic even this sticker doesn't even need to exist. We need to be more patient and kinder to these people.

    Being diagnosed with 5 different mental illnesses, this becomes even more clear to me every day I get into a car and go to therapy and group. I think to myself am I really this crazy? Am I even worth all of this work and trouble? These are questions I honestly ask myself every day of the week. Living with mental health is a struggle and a journey. Those who said it was going to be easy are completely wrong on many different levels. This journey isn't what I thought it was going to be when I came home in March of 2019.

    March of 2019 was the darkest moment of my life. I was at the end of my rope literally. Those who read this don't know the full story and I am ready to tell what this story is. As I was saying after living on my own in Tucson for about a year my entire world became a dark and dangerous wasteland. In other words. I was suicidal, no one really knew this not even my own boyfriend knew about this. I kept it to myself thinking I could just keep living my life and things would get better. I was wrong, the journey home was brutal. My parents dragged me to a hospital one night to show me that I was in a very dark place. My journey began here, coming home was a struggle and a fight. I was in so much rage and so much pain that I hated everything and everyone. When I got home, isolation was my only option and I didn't want any help, not even therapy.

   The journey to being able to do therapy took 2 months. I started in May and have continued since. It has been a struggle. Bring up all of those traumas and what brought me here is like reliving a horror movie, and I dislike horror movies. Having the chance to go to therapy and groups at first was not my cup of tea. I actually hated it, until I met my therapist and the rest of my team. Now its the best part of my day. This journey to full recovery will take longer than a year, but I am happy to say that I am here in 2020. I never really thought I wasn't going to be back in March of 2019. I am grateful and glad I getting the help I need.

  For those who read this and are struggling just like I did. Do not give up and seek help. Even though you may feel helpless and not worth it. You're worth it and you're loved. If you need help please look for it. I am here for support and will listen. I will always listen.